Occurred — Friday Night — January 2012

Three missed phone calls… ugh. What time is it? What fucking day is it?

I’d awoken suddenly after a few hours of fighting the strong urge to wake from my deep sleep.

It was nearly midnight. A Friday, and I’d had a long week. With no intention of going out, I lazily grabbed my phone. A message from Black Thunder, another from Hot Mess… wait a second.

A text, and missed call, and a voice mail from a recent Ex-Girlfriend.

No fucking way… the OKCupid stalker?

Let’s back up…

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We were together for about six months, following my trip to NYC on the eve of the 2011.

Kaley and I met on PlentyOfFish when I was doing a lot of online dating. I was on a serious hot streak and had only really “discovered” game recently, so I was definitely not looking for anything serious.

My younger, inexperienced self, was still accustomed to taking women to dinner on first dates – a major rookie mistake. I took her to a Spanish tapas place near Dupont Circle. The food was good, the music… terrible. It did make for good conversation though. She was cute, older than me by two years, but she had a rebellious spunk about her that really turned me on.

She dressed well, a slightly busted nose but very thin (aka my type). We banged drunkenly on the second date at my place. She was a squirter… my first.

Awesome.

Things got progressively more serious, thanks to one incident with Black Thunder where her friend cornered me drunk one night. My buddy and I were at a horrible little bar near Georgetown full of young beer guzzling sorority sluts and frat boys. Yeah yeah, one of the worst bars in DC — McFaddens.

He knew one of the bartenders from his old job. This skank had enormous fake tits, and we were determined to be entertained by those fun bags one way or another. Fortune found us when we ran into a group of desperate politico nerds. After many round of beer we had convinced this one guy to motorboat “Big Tits McGee” and then run out of the bar before being hauled off. He chickened out more than once but finally gathered enough liquid courage to pull off the deed.

Fucking priceless.

The bouncers were on him faster than you could say “gullible idiot.” His shame and the showing was totally worth the amusement.

In the bathroom I texted Kaley. They were in Dupont. I asked her, “which bar?”. She told me.

Bam!

Black Thunder and I were off, drunk driving at its finest. Once inside, we made our way to the back. I didn’t see her, then suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Me: “Oh! There you are.”

Kaley: “I know you saw me, you looked at me and walked right past. Hahaha, stop screwing around!”

Bitch was nuts and I was clueless, so I let it go. Comments like this would come up constantly for months to come…

I was ridiculously drunk at this point and her friend caught me off-guard when she started asking me questions about our “relationship.” Before my buddy could warn me, I’d been conned into a relationship with labels that I didn’t care for or want.

“Boyfriend”

I shuddered at the words, but it didn’t stop me from slaying pussy and cum-guzzlers in the meantime… I’m a bad, bad man…

– End Part 1 –